Her eyes rose to take in the long path ahead. At first, she wasn’t sure what she saw, moving in and out between the sunlight and dappled shadows. She had only seen a snake in the forest once before, many years ago, when everything had meaning. Perhaps she was being visited again. She felt something stir within, something familiar yet barely recognizable, it had been so long. Was that hope she was feeling? The snake snaked its way and she felt the stirring again. Maybe transformation was possible after all. But then the snake rose up. And as it moved towards her, she began to see the silhouette of a woman. Closer she came, until the shadows gave way to clarity.

              “It’s you,” I hear myself gasp and lay down my pen. I look into the eyes of this snake-woman on the page and I see my own reflection. The woman across from me… is me.

(Click below if you would like to listen to an audio version…)

*****

              Many years ago now, I was finishing up my PhD. Well, “finishing up” doesn’t exactly capture it. I was slogging my way through the (yes) deep and meaningful, but (absolutely) arduous and almighty undertaking-turned-mission of completing my doctoral research and writing my dissertation. The culmination of five years of all-encompassing studies in clinical and somatic psychology…soma, meaning body. So I was studying the psyche – both the conscious and unconscious mental and emotional ingredients of what makes up human experience – as well as how the psyche is fundamentally intertwined with the body – from developmental origins, to moment-by-moment inner, interpersonal, and social experiences, to how to work with suffering and the deepest of dreams. And my dissertation research explored all of this through the lens of women and fulfillment: What role does the body play in helping women discover and navigate fulfilling life paths?

              Those few sentences give just a glimpse, just a taste, just a wafer-thin slice, of the swells and plummets of those years – the hours of research, interviews, transcribing, analyzing, conceptualizing, and writing – and the many many layers I was grappling with and shedding about fulfillment, both on the page and in my own personal life.

              And then I had a dream…

In the dream, I’m at a conference – sitting there, talking with a woman about my research. “It’s about women and fulfillment…” I go on for a while as the woman across from me sits in her crisp pantsuit, scholarly glasses, and hair neatly coiled atop her head. “It’s all so fascinating, really interesting, and very complex,” I explain. Almost as if I’m trying to sell her something – almost as if I’m trying to convince myself how into it I am.

The woman takes a deep breath. “Ahh…,” she exhales aloud, with an air of detachment, almost aloof. “I know what you are talking about,” she muses, looking off into a distant intimate landscape that I somehow know she knows exquisitely well. 

Then everything slows to a crawl. I stare transfixed as the space around her begins to glimmer. She stands tall, as her hair falls down around her body in a wild tangle of grey, her suit unraveling into a long tattered dress. “What you’re really after…” she looks directly into my eyes, “is Panacreatea.”

              Panacreatea… I awake with the word ringing in my ears. Panacreatea… Pana-what?! I’ve never heard of this word before. And I have definitely never come across it in my research. What was this wise old woman talking about? What could it possibly mean? So, like any well-trained scholar of the new millennium, I googled it. “P-A-N-A-C-R-E-A-T-E-A”…and search! I stare with anticipation at the screen in front of me. Nope. Nothing. Absolutely zilch. According to the universe of Google, this is not a word. Panacreatea does not exist.

              But my Dream is trying to tell me something, I can feel it. My Dream wants me to know that this fulfillment thing I think I’m so interested in – well, apparently, it’s Panacreatea that I’m really after.

              And so, I keep Dreaming…I dream into my Dream. And I search-feel-discover the origins of this word gifted to me:

Pana… panacea… a healing balm for all that ails

Creo… to create… to bring into existence.

Panacreatea… the healing balm of creativity.

My Dream is guiding me. My Dream is showing me the way. The creative source behind this Dream itself is telling me that fulfillment lies deep within our ability to get in touch with and express that which lives inside of us. Fulfillment comes through creating. Creating is healing. Panacreatea is fulfillment.

              It would take many years for me to experience Panacreatea…but that is an ongoing journey, really. No beginning, no end. Just layers and shedding, revealing and discovering.

*****

In the place

Where I open

To you

Which is me

I am there

Breathing

You move through me

Alive

Because of you

I bring to life

Because of you

And you are forever

And I am grateful

Because the portal has opened

And I am here now

Available

For the perpetual revealing

Of life manifest

*****

              And that is how the woman became a snake…